Dads have come a long way in the last few years as many of us continue to work hard to erase the stigma of being the lesser parent slash biggest kid. Through all of this, there’s one aspect that is taking longer to change: While mothers often get pampered on their day with spa packages, breakfast in bed and flowers, fathers still get the shaft by receiving silly coffee mugs, terrible ties and trashy trinkets.
Here are 5 stupid Father’s Day gifts, gifts so terrible that you should only give them if you truly despise the man on the receiving end.
Grill Sergeant BBQ Apron
First of all, I have to applaud the manufacturer of this item. I believe that they made this out of camouflage so that the poor dad who has to wear this abomination can blend in with the outdoors. This way he can escape ridicule and be free to partake in ketchup (and/or mustard) shots without any additional judgement.
Secondly, no one needs most of these items – a real man only needs a pair of tongs, a nice piece of meat and a dream to correctly operate a grill. Bonus points for the typo under “Customer Questions & Answers” where a prospective buyer asks if bottled beer would fit better than canned bear.
Canned bear is a gift that I can fully support for any and all gifting occasions.
“I’m a Dad, What’s Your Super Power?” Mug
My issue with this seemingly innocent gift is that it implies that a man must rise above mere mortals to be a dad. Being awesome is a superpower, being a father is a gift.
World’s Greatest Dad Trophy & Ribbon Neck Tie
Ties are so deeply linked to Father’s Day that we could rename it Neck Tie Day and no one would notice. That’s interesting because these days, I don’t know one guy who still wears ties on a daily basis. Especially really bad ties that try to turn ones ability to be a dad into a competition against other guys with kids.
EZ Drinker Drink Vest
Besides being totally ridiculous, this contraption has some fatal design flaws. For one thing, it’s not designed to hold bottles, so it’s only suitable for shitty beer and hipster beer (aka ironically shitty beer). Secondly, twelve cans of beer weigh around ten pounds and according to reviews, the weight distribution is all on the neck.
Finally, if you do plan on drinking all twelve beers before they get too warm (basically within 30 minutes), then standing is not the best of positions to be in.
World’s Greatest Farter (I Mean Father) T-Shirt
Apparently, selling ‘World’s Greatest Father’ paraphernalia was just too much of a compliment for dads – so someone came up with this amazing play on words to keep us in our place. The irony though, is that every dad will tell you that baby’s are far greater at farting (which is why it’s so easy to blame them when we partake in trouser coughing).
If you are a dad, here’s hoping that you receive something awesome. Perhaps some sweet tech gear, or maybe a really nice ribeye that you can grill even though you don’t own a “Grill Sergeant BBQ Apron.” Better yet, something homemade that your kid spent a lot of thought and time on.
Or maybe flip it around this year and thank your kid for transforming you from being just another dude. For giving you a higher purpose that you didn’t even know that you were capable of.
Thank your child for making you be better. Thank them for bestowing upon you the ultimate male honor of being a dad.
Happy Father’s Day.